Out of one pause and right into another. 

Just as I felt released from the pause in pregnancy, choosing to voluntarily step out of that pause, the whole world involuntarily went on a different pause. 

For a long time I felt like being childless in the end would mean failure. Like there was a winning and a losing side to infertility, and it was quite clear what the losing side would be. 

It is a perspective I've actually heard years before, joy is not based on circumstances.  Unlike happiness, joy transcends our situations, our relationships, our achievements, etc.